Pain
by aimee-twangel-angie
Summary: Jane is going through deep emotional trauma, what happens though when she bursts out crying in front of Korsak and Frost? What happens when she has an anxiety attack right in front of Maura? Self Harm/Suicide/Depression Trigger warning on this story.
1. The Breakdown

Jane sat at her desk in the precinct. She felt miserable; she looked down at her arms and saw the red lines. She quickly grabbed her blazer from her chair so that her partners wouldn't see them. Everyone at BPD saw her as the tough as nails, unbroken cop, that could do anything, and never let anyone bring her down. She couldn't let them see her for who she really was, broken, depressed, anxious, _suicidal_, and a self harming woman. What kind of 36 year old woman did and thought what she did?

"Jane-"Korsak begun, he paused when he realised his former partner was not listening, he looked at Frost who looked back at him, then they looked at Jane, who was still in her own world, she had begun to cry. Jane hadn't realised this. Korsak and Frost looked at each other once more.

"Janie, are... are you... alright?" Korsak warily asked, subconsciously knowing that he wouldn't get an honest answer from her. Jane still showed no emotion.

"Jane?" Frost asked, still nothing, "Jane!" He almost shouted. Jane suddenly looked up at her partner, and then at Korsak. They both looked back at her; she could see the question and worry in their eyes. She then realised that she had been unresponsive, and that she was crying. Her partners had just seen her cry; she felt an anxiety attack threatening to make an appearance. She left everything where it was and ran out of the room. Frost and Korsak looked at each other in disbelief; did tough-as-nails Jane Rizzoli just run out of the squad room in tears?

Jane had no idea where to go, people were all around the busy corridor, and they were beginning to stare. She panicked. Her breathing got quicker, she felt dizzy, she couldn't run out the building, she'd run the risk of getting fired. She finally decided to go down to the morgue, just as much as she hated people seeing her like this, the doctor was the only she felt she could trust. She ran down the stairs, past the café, past Angela. Who got worried at seeing her daughter running through the reception; tears streaming down her rosy cheeks?

"Jane! What happened, honey are you alright?" She shouted, but the detective was long gone. Jane continued down the stairs to the morgue, ran past all the morgue attendants and to Maura's office. She wasn't in there, so she sat down on the sofa, pulled her knees to her chest, rested her head on her knees and finally let the attack get the better of her. Crying; heart wrenching sobs.

Maura was in the DNA room with Suzie, when a morgue attendant came in.

"Dr. Isles?" He asked,

"Yes?" Maura replied.

"Um, I think detective. Rizzoli just ran into your office, she looked terrible, she was crying, I was just wondering if you knew." He answered. Maura let the scalpel she was holding drop to the floor, it made a loud clash but the blonde did not even flinch. Jane never cries, or breaks down, or... She couldn't understand why Jane would be like that, she knew though, if Jane had come down here, to her, that something was terribly wrong. She ran out of the room and over to her office. And sure enough, Jane was there, curled up on her sofas; sobbing loudly. Maura walked over to the detective, whom she'd never seen _this _broken before. She gently put a hand on her back. Jane flinched, looked up, and tears still pouring down her face. She realised Maura was there and started crying even more. Maura was worried about her best friend. She'd never, ever seen her like this before, even just after Hoyt, she'd never acted like this before. The doctor was now seriously starting to worry about the well-being of her friend.

After an hour and a half, Jane finally calmed down, and the doctor never left her side, even though she had many autopsies to do. Maura, realising this went and sat at her desk to check her paperwork.

"Jane...?" Maura asked warily. "What happened?" Jane stood up, wiped her eyes, composed herself, and finally answered the doctor.

"I... uh... um, just forget that ever happened." Jane stammered. She walked out of the door and to the elevator.

"Jane, wait" Maura called out, Jane stopped, and turned round.

"Please Maura, just forget that that happened." She replied, and walked into the elevator and went back upstairs. She walked into the squad room. Korsak was doing paperwork, and Frost was typing up an interim report on one of his cases. Upon Jane's arrival, they both stopped what they were doing and looked up at the detective.

"So, uh, what's developed in the case?" She asked the two men.

"Uh, there has been nothing really." Frost stammered. She sat down in her chair, was going to remove her blazer, and then she realised that that was not the best idea. Then, Korask's phone rang.

"Detective Korsak, Boston Homicide" he answered. "Yes, doc, she's here." _Shit,_ Jane thought. That was Maura on the other side of the phone. "No, I don't know what happened, we were all doing our own things, and when I looked up, she was crying, it took three times us asking before she finally replied." It was now 19:45; she could leave, as nothing had developed in the case. "I know doc, me too." Korsak continued. "Okay, good idea, see you tomorrow doc." He put the phone down. _What's the good idea? _Jane wondered.

"Guys, as nothing has developed in the case, let's all go. Come back tomorrow, meat at 8?"

"Yeah okay" Frost replied. Jane just nodded.

"Hey, you want to all go down to the dirty robber?" Korsak offered.

"Yeah, I'll come" Frost replied instantly. They both looked at Jane.

"Jane? Are you joining us?" Frost asked.

"Uh, no, but – thanks anyway." Jane replied. She grabbed her jacket, service weapon, badge and her keys and set off. _Jane denying a beer? _Frost and Korsak thought. _Something's seriously up_.


	2. Running away

Jane got home that night, locked the door, petted Jo Friday, leaned against her door and sunk to the ground. _ What the hell happened today?_ Jane thought to herself. _Right, okay, so, first, you start crying in the squad room and Korsak and Frost just stare. Then, you run out, crying, down the stairs, your own mother shouts after you, you ignore her, then you run directly into Maura's office, she isn't there so you sit down, curled up on her couch, bawling your eyes out. You hear something clash against the cold tiles and seconds later, Maura's hand is on your back, you look up at her and start crying even more. An hour and a half later, your sobs have stopped, your screaming subsided. You stand up, tell her to forget it and get the elevator back up to the squad room. Korsak's on the phone to Maura, talking about you. _Tears make their way down Jane's face for the second time in a day. She eventually finds the strength to pull herself up off the floor. _I can't be bothered to make dinner._ Jane thought. She just sat down on the sofa, and replayed the events of the day, over and over.

An hour later, there were many fresh cuts on her arms and thighs, she had just pulled her jogging bottoms up and put a jumper when someone knocked at the door. She really didn't want to answer the door, as her eyes were all puffy, and, she just couldn't be bothered. The person outside knocked again. Even though she was in this emotional state, she still got up and opened the door. Maura. It was Maura who stood there. _Fuck_. Jane thought.

"Jane?" Maura asked worriedly.

"Uh, yeah...?" Jane replied, realising that Maura would be able to tell she had been crying.

"Uh – what-, uh can I come in?" Maura asked.

"Uh- yeah, sure..." Jane replied. She moved out the way to allow the blonde inside her apartment. She closed the door, afraid of what would happen next.

"Can I uh... get you a drink Maura?" Jane stammered. Her voice was still hoarse from crying.

"Yes please. Water would be great thanks" Maura replied. Jane got a cup of water for both herself and Maura, and went and sat down on the sofa. Maura sat next to Jane.

"You know Jane," Maura began, taking a sip of her water, "Whatever is happening in your life right now, you know you can tell me." Jane stared ahead, and nodded. Maura put her and on the detective's thigh as a soothing act, she pulled her hand away when Jane flinched. The brunette tried so hard to suppress the wince that was building up, but failed. That was it for Maura; she was going to find out what was happening, or at least part of it. She got up and excused herself to the bathroom. Jane did not want Maura to be here.

"Maura?" Jane called out "I hope you don't mind, but I would like some time on my own right now, can you please leave?" But Maura was looking for something; she came across a bloody bandage and decided it was time to confront her friend.

Maura walked back into the living room, Jane was staring at the floor. She suddenly noticed that the blonde had reappeared, holding a bloody bandage. Before Maura could even speak Jane was out of the door.

Again, for the second time in one day, Jane ran, ran from her problems. She knew where she was headed now would cause more problems but it was away from the one person who knew one of her darkest secrets. Half an hour later, she arrived at where she had run to. Korsak's house. She knocked on the door, her eyes were again red, and her cuts were stinging. And she was shaking all over. Korsak opened the door, in his pyjamas. He was completely shocked to see a terrified, almost broken looking Jane. As soon as he opened the door, she completely broke down; she sat against the stone wall and cried, cried terribly hard, like earlier in Maura's office. The sergeant's heart broke. He had never _ever _seen his former partner like this. Hell, he had never seen her cry apart from this morning and when she killed Hoyt.

"Hey Janie" he begun, "Sshhh, it's alright, it'll be alright" At that statement she began to cry even harder.

"It'll never be fucking alright! Never!" She screamed whilst crying louder than ever. "It'll never be alright! My fucking life-" She cut off there, over taken by sobs and screams she could not control. Her next statement was barely a whisper.

"I can't do this Vince, I don't want to live anymore" Then she burst out crying yet again. Korsak's heart broke. His old partner just admitted she was suicidal.

"Janie, come on, get up, come inside, it's freezing out here." Jane got up, and obediently followed Korsak into his living room. She sat down on a sofa and wiped her eyes. Korsak grabbed her wrists to offer support, Jane winced and he let go. She quickly sat up straight and tried to stop herself from crying.

"Jane... What's up with your wrist...?" Korsak asked warily. Jane thought about how to answer this, she could hide it, but, he'd just seen her break down completely, and he knew that she was suicidal, so what harm could it do him knowing this?

"I- uh-, just take a look for yourself." She said, resting her arm on the arm of the sofa. Korsak carefully peeled back Jane's cardigan sleeve. And then he saw them, 8 fresh gashes and countless pale scars.

"Oh Jane..." He said, "How long-?"

"Too fucking long" She replied.

"Uh, Janie, would you like to stay here tonight? I don't have anything for you to change into, and it would be the couch, but I'm scared to let you leave..." Jane nodded; she too was scared to that she might do something. Just then, the phone rang...


	3. The phone calls

Korsak could not be bothered to pick the phone up so he put it on speaker.

"Hello?" He said.

"Sergeant Korsak-," _Fuck, it was Maura_, Jane thought. She stopped speaking; all they could hear was her breathing as she tried to steady it.

"Doc?"

"Sergeant. Jane. Gone." She got out.

"Doc? She's here, on my couch, glaring at me right now." If looks could kill, Korsak would be dead by now.

"Oh thank gosh! How...?" Maura began,

"She appeared about half an hour ago, I was just getting ready for bed, when I heard a knock at my door. I opened it and there she stood, cold, shaking, out of breath... She broke down; I mean completely, she sat on the floor, or slid onto the floor, and just started crying, she sat there for about 15 minutes. I told her it would be alright and she screamed that it wouldn't, then in barely a whisper she said-," He was cut off,

"No!" Jane shouted, "No don't tell her" Jane pulled her knees up to her chest, but kept her head up.

"Jane, why not, she's your best friend? Why can't she know about your-,"

"No. No! She just- she just can't okay?"

"Okay, okay, does she know about your arm?" Jane put her head on her knees, shutting the world out.

"I take that as a no?" he asked,

"She knows" she mumbled.

"Korsak are you still there?" Maura's voice said from the black phone.

"Yes, sorry doc."

"What was it Jane wouldn't allow you to tell me?"

"No!" Jane shouted.

"I-I can't say, as you just heard..."He replied, "Do you know about her, cutting? She says you do but..."

"Yes, sergeant, I do, that's why she ran tonight, I- I walked into the living room after I had found one of her bloody bandages in the bathroom, she saw it, and bolted, I've spent ages looking for her, I called Angela" _Fuck. _Jane thought, her mother now knows she'd run off. "And Detective Frost, and then I called you. Oh, I should warn you, Frost is out looking for Jane... Would you mind calling him for me? And maybe also Angela? I don't think I can."

"Of course Doc, see you tomorrow." He hung up then. Jane's head was still buried in her knees. He decided to let her stay like that for a while. He picked up the phone this time, not on speaker anymore, and dialled Frost.

"Hey Frost it's me."

"Yes-,"

"Calm down, she's here, on my couch at the moment, yeah, she got here about 40 minutes ago-,"

"Jane?" Korsak began "Can I tell him what Maura knows"

"Sure, 1 more person knowing won't make a fucking difference will it." She replied.

"You there Frost?"

"You got 5 minutes for me to explain?"

"Well, she appeared about half an hour ago, I was just getting ready for bed, when I heard a knock at my door. I opened it and there she stood, cold, shaking, out of breath... She broke down; I mean completely, she slid onto the floor, and just started crying, she sat there for about 15 minutes. A-and then, I- found out that she cuts... That's as far as we got though, she's staying here tonight, and I don't trust her going back home after being that emotional tonight. She's curled up on the couch at the moment, no doubt listening to what I'm saying."

"Okay, thanks for looking for her,"

"Bye." He put the phone down, and then realised that he still needed to call Angela.

"Jane?" The older detective asked. No reply- "Jane?" He tried again, but it turns out, after all that crying and screaming and shouting, she'd fallen asleep. He decided against waking her, she needed the rest. So he picked up the phone to call Angela.

"Hello?"

"Hello Angela"

"Vince, oh my god Jane's missing!"

"Ange, calm down, she's here"

"What? Why is she there?"

"I don't know why she chose me, but about an hour ago, I heard a knock at my door, I was just getting ready for bed, I opened the door and she completely broke down, honestly Ange, she cried and screamed for at least 15 minutes before she calmed down enough to speak."

"Do you know why she acted like that?"

"Yes- but I'm not at liberty to discuss that with you, that's up to Jane, and she's only just fallen asleep so I have no plan of waking her." He replied firmly.

"Okay, well, bye, I guess, thanks for letting me know where my daughter was. Frankie's out looking for her; I'll give him call, thanks Vince."

"No problem Ange, bye." He hung up, looked at the seemingly peaceful Jane, and wrote her a note before he went upstairs to bed.

_Hi Jane, in case I'm not up before you, you're at my house, is there is any problem or any urges (you know after...) please, please come and wake me, I called your mother, I didn't tell her anything, as I'm not sure that's what you would have wanted. Okay, take care Jane, and don't you even think about leaving without telling me first okay? Gosh, I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you. See you tomorrow, partner._

_Vince._

He was just about to go to bed, when he thought; he'd remove all sharp things from the room in case Jane felt like cutting. He removed a pen knife, his letter opener, and the cutlery from his earlier dinner. He looked at the detective on the couch, she was so peaceful, yet looked so small, how had he not have seen this? Not have seen the cuts or bandages or any warning signs of her being suicidal? Her eyes were still red, but at least she was not crying anymore.

"Good night Jane" He whispered, and then wondered off to his bedroom.


	4. The Boss

The next morning, Jane awoke with a start; it was light outside, but only 06:00. She looked around, and realised that she was in Korsak's living room. She sat up, and found the note on the table.

Hi Jane, in case I'm not up before you, you're at my house, is there is any problem or any urges (you know after...) please, please come and wake me, I called your mother, I didn't tell her anything, as I'm not sure that's what you would have wanted. Okay, take care Jane, and don't you even think about leaving without telling me first okay? Gosh, I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you. See you tomorrow, partner.

Vince.

She smiled, maybe, someone out there cared? Just then, Korsak came down the stairs fully dressed.

"Morning Jane" He said.

"Morning Korsak" She replied. Korsak wanted to ask how she was, but feared that could lead to disastrous effects.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am a bit, whatcha got?" she replied.

"Fruit, Muesli, Cornflakes, toast..." he said

"Can I have some toast, please?"

"Of course, I think I'll have the same"

Half an hour later, they had both finished breakfast.

"Jane, we don't have to be at work for another half hour, would you like me to drive you to your house so you can shower and change?"

"Please"

They arrived at Jane's house.

"Okay, well I'll see you at work-," Korsak began, but was cut off.

"Korsak, if you wouldn't mind, would you, maybe wait for me? I- I don't think I can go to work alone..." Jane asked, she hated admitting she was weak, but he'd seen her in her most fragile state so what difference would it make?

"Uh, yeah, of course Janie, 15 minutes?"

"Yeah" With that she got out the car, and ran up to her apartment. She opened the door, and saw the bloody bandage still lying on the floor; she cried silent tears and made her way to the bathroom so she wasn't late. She showered quickly and got changed and made her way downstairs, eyes still slightly red. That didn't go unnoticed by Korsak.

"Jane?" He began.

"Don't" Jane replied, he knew not to push further.

When they arrived at the precinct, Jane began shaking.

"Jane, it's just work, only me, Maura and Frost know okay?" Korsak said, Jane just nodded in response.

"What about my ma?"

"I didn't tell her anything, but she knows I know what's going on." Jane sighed. They entered the building, and had to pass the café to get to the elevator. Angela saw them just as they got to the elevator.

"Jane Rizzoli! What the hell happened last night?!" She shouted, walking over to the two detectives. Jane looked at the older detective; Korsak could see that she was on the verge of tears.

"Ange, come on, she's had a rough night," Korsak said,

"I don't care Vince, my daughter ran off and left poor Maura scared out of her mind about her." Vince looked at the younger detective who was now shaking and turner away from them, he however could not tell if she was crying or not.

"Ange, come on" Vince pleaded,

"No!"

"Look what you've done now," he said, looking over at a shaky Jane.

"Jane" Angela said reaching out to grab Jane's wrist, she flinched and failed to suppress a wince. Angela was shocked; her daughter was deteriorating in front of her. And she had no idea why.

"Look, Ange, we've got to go, bye."They stepped into the elevator, it was clear to Korsak now that Jane had been crying.

"Rizzoli, come on, look at me. We've got to go in now, dry your eyes, look, if at any time you feel like breaking down, tell me, okay? Or if that feels uncomfortable, look me in the eye, so at least I have some idea of where you're going." Jane nodded.

"Thanks Korsak."

They stepped out of the elevator and walked into the squad room.

"Morning, Jane, Korsak." Frost said.

"Morning Frost" Korsak said, Jane half heartedly smiled and nodded at her partner. She sat down at her desk. Korsak sat down, not taking his eyes off the brunette. Who still looked like she was going to cry.

Maura suddenly appeared in the room.

"Here's the autopsy report sergeant Korsak," she said.

"Thanks doc." He replied. Maura looked over at Jane, who still looked like she was about to cry. When Jane looked at Maura, she could see guilt in her eyes, but she had no idea what. Jane could feel an anxiety attack building up inside her as soon as the blonde entered the room. She looked over at Korsak, pleadingly, and mouthed the word help, tears forming in the corner of her eyes, both Maura and Frost noticed her silent plea.

"Uh, Jane, let's go to the café and get some coffees?" Korsak said.

"Yeah - okay" Jane replied. Thankful that Korsak could get her out of the situation. They both stood up, started walking when Cavanaugh came out of his office.

"Rizzoli, in my office, now." He said. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes again. She curled her hands into fists, and followed Cavanaugh into his office.

"Sit." He said firmly. Jane did as she was told.

"What's up Rizzoli?" He asked, sitting on the edge of his desk. Jane looked at him quizzically.

"I mean - after yesterday. You took off in the middle of working a case, ended up in the morgue in the doc's office. Crying. And then you tell her to forget what happened." That's why Maura looked guilty earlier, she had spoken to Cavanaugh. "And then, she's round at yours and she finds a bloody bandage and you take off. And end up at Vince's house, completely break down or at least that's what I heard. And then you told him something that you didn't tell the doc and you wouldn't let him tell her." That was it for Jane, an anxiety attack had got the better of her. She was full on crying and shaking. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Rizzoli, what-?" Cavanaugh began.

"Anxiety, a-attack." Jane managed to get out.

"Rizzoli, back in here in 10 okay? Go calm down." Cavanaugh said. Jane nodded and left his office still shaking and crying uncontrollably. She walked over to Korsak, even though both Maura and Frost were still there.

"I-I've got t-t-ten minutes to calm d-down and then I need to go b-back to ca-van-vanaugh."

"Jane? Look at me." Korsak begun. "Go calm down okay? I could see you were fighting off an attack even before he called you, okay?" Jane nodded and ran off the the ladies room. Korsak sighed.

"Korsak?" Frost began, "what happened last night? Why is she so shaken up?"

"I guess, she had just kept her emotions hidden for so long, that, it finally caught up to her" Korsak admitted sadly.

"Is that what caused her to admit that she didn't want to-," Frost started, but was cut off.

"No!" Korsak stated firmly.

"What the...?" Frost replied.

"She, she didn't want the doc to know.." His voice getting deeper.

"Wait, Korsak, she let you tell Frost but not me!" Maura shouted. Jane heard this and stood outside the door.

"I-..." Korsak said, not knowing how to end that sentence. "Doc, I know you're best friends but you have to respect she doesn't have to tell you,"

"Shut up Korsak!" Maura yelled. Jane walked into the room. All eyes turned to her.

"Before you say a word, I heard what you just said to Korsak, and why did you tell Cavanaugh about yesterday and last night?"

All eyes turned to the doctor, none of them knew that that was what Maura had done.

"Jane why won't you tell me what those two know?" Maura asked.

"Because- I uh..." She could feel yet another attack happening. Korsak could tell.

"Maura, let's continue this discussion after Jane has finished with Cavanaugh okay?" Korsak said.

"Fine." Maura said gruffly. Jane looked at Korsak and mouthed thank you before walking off to Cavanaugh's office.

"Rizzoli, I didn't think you'd come back - you alright now?" Jane nodded.

"Don't say anything until I'm finished. I'm thinking about putting you on leave."


	5. A day off

"No! You can't! Sir, you don't understand, this job is what's kept me alive! Without this job, I'd probably have been long gone! Please, sir keep me on!" Cavanaugh thought about his.

"Okay, you know what Jane? I'll keep you on, but, one, if at any point I think you are a danger to yourself or to others, I am placing you on leave immediately" Jane nodded. "Two, you keep detective Korsak informed on every feeling you have whilst at work."

"Uh, okay I guess."

"Good, you may leave now, tell Vince to come and see me."

"I will" Jane left her bosses office, calmer than last time.

"Uh Korsak, Cavanaugh needs to see you." Jane said quietly. Korsak nodded and walked off. Jane sat at her desk.

"Frost, any cases?" She asked.

"Uh.. Nope, all safe in the streets of Boston today." Jane smiled, but could not bring herself to laugh.

Korsak reappeared and walked over to Jane.

"You'll be okay" he said patting Jane on the shoulder.

"So, Jane, why won't you tell me about whatever it is you won't tell me?" Maura asked.

"Well, I- I," tears were threatening to make an appearance. "Thought I'd loose you if you if you found out."

"Jane you know - nothing you say could make me leave you. Do you not know that?" Jane nodded, tears just about spilling.

"Uh - Korsak, can we go get those coffees now?" She asked, hoping he'd the the idea that she didn't want to be there.

"Yeah sure Jane, let's go," Korsak replied, standing up and grabbing his blazer jacket. They walked down to the café. Jane managed to compose herself. And then she realised that she was facing a new problem. Her mother.

"Korsak, my ma..." Jane said,

"Look Jane, wait here and I'll be back" he said as he started to walk off. Jane grabbed him by the wrist.

"No, I'm coming, I- I don't want to be alone."

"Okay, just stand with me then?"

"Yeah okay" they walked into the café. Stanley took their orders and they went over to Angela to get their coffees. Angela noticed her daughters red, puffy eyes.

"Jane, honey are you alright?" Angela asked.

"Yeah - just, just a-..." She couldn't end it. Tears were threatening to appear. She walked out of the café leaving Korsak to the coffees and decided to ask Cavanaugh if she could take the rest of the day off. Jane knocked on Cavanaugh's door.

"Come in." He shouted.

"Hi boss..."

"Rizzoli, you okay?"

"Yeah, uh sir, I was just wondering if I could have the rest if the day off?"

"Uh, yeah sure I guess. Have you spoken to Korsak yet?"

"Well, my eyes were still red from my panic attack earlier when he and I went down to the café, ma noticed and she asked me what was wrong, I couldn't answer her so I- I left..."

"Okay Rizzoli, see you tomorrow."

"Thank you sir." Jane walked our the building, past Angela, Korsak was no where to be seen but she hadn't passed him in the squad room. She didn't care anymore. She just wanted to get home and go to bed. Even though it was only 12 o'clock.

Back in BPD. A very concerned Korsak stumbled into Cavanaugh's office.

"Sean, I don't know where Jane's gone. She ran off after we spoke to her mother. And -," he was cut off.

"Vince! Calm the hell down! She came by here about 10 minutes ago, she asked for the rest of the day off. She explained what happened so I allowed it." Korsak was relieved he knew where she was.

Jane got home and sat on the couch. Her blade just inches in front of her. She thought about the day - about how crappy it had been. Almost getting put on leave. Having an anxiety attack in front of her boss. Explaining things to Maura. Crying again in front of Frost and Korsak. A cut for each. She finally fell asleep and didn't wake up until 5 AM the next day.


	6. Telling the Truth

The next morning, Jane woke up to her usual 6 AM alarm. She really hoped that today she would be able to keep her anxiety and depression in line. She hated herself for ever letting her partners see her like that, let alone her boss. Then she remembered that she had a Rizzoli family dinner tonight at Maura's. She began to hyperventilate. She got up, and went to take a shower, maybe that would help her she thought.

At 7 AM she was dressed and showered. She grabbed her service weapon, badge and car keys of the counter and set off for work.

Angela was not yet due in work so Jane headed to the café and ordered 3 coffees, and headed upstairs. When she got up both her partners were there already. She handed them both their coffees. Jane didn't realise this, but she had forgotten her jumper, and blazer, so her scars were showing. Neither one of her partners noticed.

4 PM rolled around, no new cases, so the trio were just tying up loose ends of old cases and typing reports. No one had yet noticed Jane's arms, including herself.

"Geez Rizzoli! What the hell happened to your arms, you slicing them up now?" Crowe joked from across the room. She looked down at her arms, realised she had no jumper and began to panic.

"Oi Crowe! What the hell is wrong with you?" Korsak shouted.

"Geez old man, calm down!" Crowe laughed. "Anyway – what the hell is wrong with you Rizzoli?! Cutting up your wrists like that – you some emo cop or what?" Jane had tears rolling down her cheeks. She calmly got up, and walked out of the room, making eye contact with Korsak as she left. The last thing she saw was Korsak _and_ Frost walking over to Crowe. She was trying to stay calm until she made it down to the morgue, as she knew she would have to let it out. She half walked, half ran down the stairs, past the café, past her mother who just stared at her, and down to the morgue. She walked through the autopsy room and into the doctor's office.

Maura was there, doing some paperwork. Jane looked as if she might cry.

"Jane..." Maura said, standing up. That was it for Jane. Maura's voice, soothing, yet terribly quiet, comforted her, and she realised how horrible the blonde must have felt when she didn't tell her her darkest secret. She began to cry, louder than the blonde had ever seen before. She sat down on the couch and let it all out. Maura quickly got up, closed the blinds and locked the door and went and sat next to the broken detective, patting her back and whispering soothing words into her ear. A half hour later Jane had calmed down and was laying against Maura's chest.

"Maura, I..." Jane began. "I'm... Sorry..."

"Oh Jane, whatever for?" Maura replied softly.

"For... For... not telling you anything... for... running away... for... making you look for me..."

"Jane... I care about you, and I hate seeing you like this." Jane cried even harder.

"Jane, look at me," Maura said. "Please?" Jane did as she was told and looked at the doctor.

"Jane, whatever you are feeling, it's okay to tell me, you know that right?" Jane nodded in response. "Jane, listen, I know you cut and that is just a way that people deal with their feelings, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know that there are more things you have to tell me, but I'm not going to push you, okay?"

"Maura... I'm sorry I ran last night, I know I shouldn't have, it was just the shock of seeing you holding one of _my_ bloody bandages. I... I guess I couldn't think, couldn't process it, so I ran, I had no idea of where I was going, I just, I thought after a while that Korsak's house was the closest, so I went there... I broke down as soon as he opened the door, and... And he told me that everything was going to be alright and I screamed at him... That... it would never be alright, and I swore at him... And then I whispered... I... I didn't want to live... Anymore..." Jane stammered.

"Oh Jane," Maura said in a quiet voice, "I'll never tell you it'll be okay, when I don't know what's going on, but I am here for you, okay?" Jane nodded.

"Is that what you let Detective Korsak tell Frost?" Maura asked, keeping her voice quiet. Jane just nodded.

"Sshhh, it's okay Jane, I've got an autopsy to do, see you for dinner tonight? Wait- why did you come down here in the first place?"

"I forgot my blazer and Crowe saw my arms, I had to get out of there, Korsak and Frost, well, the last I saw, they were walking up to Crowe..." Jane stifled a laugh. "Oh, which reminds me, do you have a jacket or jumper or anything I could borrow?"

"You're one complicated woman Rizzoli, here." Maura said, handing Jane a black v-neck jumper. "Goes nice with your top" She said with a wink. Jane laughed.

"Okay, see you later Maura."

"Bye Jane." With that, Jane walked out the office and across the autopsy room until she reached the elevator.

Back upstairs, she noticed Crowe nor Frost were nowhere to be seen.

"Korsak, where's Crowe?" She asked, as if she had never left.

"Oh, uh hi Jane, he's on leave for... Discriminating a female police officer, Cavanaugh came out as soon as he heard my and Frost yelling at him. He'd heard everything he'd said to you, but he thought we'd deal with it." Korsak replied.

"Okay – where's Frost?"

"On his way to the E.R."

"What!"

"Calm down, just for a possible broken nose after Crowe threw a punch at him."

"Oh, okay."

"So... how are you?" Korsak asked.

"Fine, thanks, oh, listen... Since we have no new cases, would you mind if I headed home, I - uh- I..." Jane warily asked.

"Yeah sure, of course, I'll call if anything happens before you go off call" Korsak replied with a smile. He made a mental note to ask Frost and Maura to go with him and bring dinner later in the night.

"Thanks." With that, Jane left.


	7. All to Late

Jane got home that night, and felt worse than ever. She could not get suicide out of her mind. She was terrified. She didn't think she could make it through the night. She curled up in a ball on the couch and cried for hours.

When she woke, it was 21:00, she really didn't want to end it but the emotional pain was just too much for her to bear right now, she picked up her gun and held it for a bit, making her decision to hang on for half an hour, to re live the great moments of her life.

* * *

21:02

"Hey Frost," Korsak began, looking from his desk at the detective sitting in front of him, "I'm worried that Jane's gonna, you know, do something stupid. Like, act on her thoughts... And, I, I was wondering if you'd come with me later, to check on her, and maybe if we had to talk her out of some decisions...?"

"Yeah, 'course, want me to go grab the doc and we'll head over now?" He replied. Korsak nodded, grabbing his jacket. Frost grabbed his and ran down to the morgue to grab Maura. 5 minutes later they all piled into Korsak's old Sudan and headed for Jane's.

* * *

Jane was now in tears, she held her gun in front of her chest... And pulled the trigger. She smiled as she lost consciousness.

* * *

Maura, Frost and Korsak had just walked in through the front door as they heard the all too familiar gun shot.

"Oh no..." Maura squealed.

"Frost?!" Korsak shouted as he ran up the stairs, Frost followed. Maura was terrified, as were the others, but they all had one thing on their mind, to get to Jane.

Up the stairs, Korsak banged on Jane's door,

"Jane!" He shouted no response. Frost kicked the door down and they poured into Jane's apartment. They shrieked when they saw Jane's lifeless body lying on the couch.

"We... we failed her" Korsak wept. Frost nodded. Maura stood at the side, watching everything. Speechless. Her best friend now lay dead right in front of her.

"Doc?" Was the last thing she heard before she blacked out.


	8. Kicking down the Door

**As wanted by so many of you - here's another chapter. With the idea's and story line for this chapter taken from the wonderful Tinax1996, thank you so so much :-) - now on with the story.**

* * *

"Korsak!" Frost shouted, for the third time, as he did not get any response. Korsak jolted awake. Or, out of his subconscious state.

"Wha-What?" Korsak stammered.

"You weren't responding." Frost said warily.

"Oh, right sorry, uh, you mind if we go check on Jane? I have a bad feeling." Korsak replied.

"Yeah sure, want to call the doc and I'll pull the car round." Frost answered.

"M'kay" Korsak replied. Frost left the room and Korsak called Maura.

"Hey Maura"

"Good thank you, listen um... I had this terrible thought, and me and Frost are gonna go check on Jane, she left earlier, want to come?"

"I don't know, that's why we're headed over there"

"Okay, meet you in two mins."

"Goodbye" Korsak grabbed his jacket and headed downstairs to meet Frost and Maura.

Before Maura left the morgue, she grabbed some charcoal of the shelf in the analysis room, hopefully thinking her subconscious thought wasn't the truth.

The car ride over to Jane's house was quiet, everyone left alone with their different thoughts and feelings. They pulled up to the street. The first thing they noticed that her car was there, that was a good sign, maybe... At least they knew Jane was home. They quietly walked up the painfully familiar stairs. They got to the door and knocked on it.

Jane was inside; she had her pills in her hand. As she heard the knock at the door, her emotions got the better of her and she swallowed the half-dozen pearly white tablets in her hand.

Getting no reply, but being able to tell the lights were on, worried Korsak, Frost and Maura. Korsak kicked the door down, and they all immediately saw Jane lying on the couch, barely conscious, but she still noticed that they were there.

"Jane!" Maura shrieked. The two detectives noticed the empty pill bottle on the coffee table, but Maura already knew what she had done. Korsak radioed for the EMT's and they were soon on their way. Maura was now in tears. She was, however, thankful that she picked up that charcoal.

"Jane, honey, look at me," Maura managed to get out. Jane sleepily looked at her.

"Swallow this okay?" She placed the charcoal in Jane's mouth and she obediently and painfully swallowed the lumpy mineral. Maura knew that the charcoal would keep things in her stomach and prevent the tablets from getting even further into her bloodstream.

After just a few minutes, but felt like a life time to the three people there. The EMT's finally arrived. And took Jane away. They refused to let anyone in the ambulance with her. Frost drove them all to Massachusetts General.

Jane went straight into the trauma surgery. All Maura, Korsak and Frost could do was wait. As Maura was the chief medical examiner, she was able to get a couple of days off, to stay with Jane, but Korsak and Frost had to return to duty. They all waited the night. Jane finally came out of surgery at 7 AM. The doctor on duty said she was sure that she would wake up, but wasn't too sure when, but hopefully within the next 4 hours. Both Frost and Korsak were on duty that day, so they had to leave. For the painstaking hours ahead, Maura just sat in the guest chair next to Jane. She was taken off the ventilator at 9:30 A.M. A couple hours before she woke up. At 10, Maura was still panicking. She rang Angela whilst Jane was still out, only saying that she was at the hospital with Jane. She freaked out and immediately began the 3 hour journey to Massachusetts General.

A little after 11 Jane began to stir. Maura, who had fallen 'half' asleep suddenly, came fully awake.

"Jane...?" She said softly. "Please honey, wake up," Jane began to stir even more. Her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey" Maura said gently. Jane slowly moved her head to face the blonde.

"What... How... How am I alive?"Jane questioned.

"You're... Angry you're alive?" Maura replied. Jane couldn't lie to Maura.

"Yes... No... I guess so..." Jane answered, looking down at herself. "What... Happened then?"

"You swallowed half a dozen pills; Korsak sat at work and thought something was wrong, he and Frost asked me to go with them to check on you..." Maura began to tear up, "And – I wanted to be safe so I grabbed some charcoal on my way out. We got up to your apartment and Korsak had to... Uh, he had to kick the door down and then we saw you... I was so scared Jane, Korsak immediately called the EMT's and they wouldn't let us in the ambulance with you..." She was now crying, "We stayed all night, until you got out of surgery, Frost and Korsak had to go back to work this morning though, as Cavanaugh wouldn't let them have the day off." Jane just lay there, shocked, had she caused all of that? She then looked over at Maura. "They uh... Took you of the ventilator around 2 hours ago, since you started breathing over it, and yeah, I've been sitting here since."

"I'm so sorry Maur." Jane said.

"Why though, why'd you do it? I know you even said you were suicidal but recent studies have shown that people who express suicidal thoughts are the least likely to act on them..." Maura went on, "I guess... I guess I thought that you were _too_ strong and... Oh I don't know where I'm going with this." Maura began to cry even more.

"I-I couldn't see another way..." Jane stammered. Just then, there was a knock on the door, Maura got up and poked her head out the door, concealing whoever it was from Jane's bedside view. She chatted to the person outside briefly. Then she turned to Jane.

"I think you need to talk to someone." She said, and let Angela into the room.


End file.
